Emotional

Ok, so I've dealt with a LOT of loss in my life. Friends, family, my mind, cars, stuff. In various capacities. Death, fights, stupidity (yes, that last crash was extremely stupid), and the such.

Never have I ever..... lost usage of an organ. I haven't even had a freakin cavity. (OK I lost my wisdom teeth. but like, everyone has that.) I went to the Nephrologist at Penn last week, Dr Jeffery Burns. now, I KNEW my labs were bad. I don't know what I was expecting. I'll just tell the story as I remember it and I'll have my mom read it later.

My mom wanted to come with me as a second pair of ears. She drove, but we took a really stupid way (drove through delaware county. Which is ALL lights grrr) so I'm freaking out about getting there in time. SO! Then we get to philly, my appt was at 9:00 it was like 8:57 (I'd called and the girl said "theres a 15 minute grace period) so of course, theres no parking. I bolt out of the car to get up the stairs (I'd never been to this building. its nice.) and I go to check in. I did the pre-reg already over the phone days before. They call my name, I have all my records in hand, like its a resume for my dream job (HA!) and they're like "sooo you have aetna" or something and i'm like "ummm no, i haven't had that for years?", and of course little fingers used my insurance card as a toy a couple days before. I knew exactly where it was sitting, I could see it in my head (if only I had such a great photographic memory and memorized the numbers). I called Pat, and I guess he gave me the wrong numbers because it wasn't showing me as active.
By now, I am LIVID (on top of my anxiety, on top of the fact I slept maybe 45 minutes). I called the insurance company and they were giving me crap. Saying I don't exist, I kept saying "I pay you guys $800 or so a month I'd better exist" grr.
Finally, they found me, I waited for a few minutes. Got my blood pressure, 159/109. its GOOD! wait, no thats baaaad. (but its good for me, whatever.) Got my weight, gained 5 pounds in a week! GOOD! because the week prior I couldn't keep anything down. I guess I stress ate, carbs et al. Not to mention I'm feeling like my stomach is distended. Just like my whole body is puffy and too heavy for me to move. I've felt like that for like, a month. just so uncomfortable. :\

When I got to the room, I waited maybe 3 minutes. During all of this, I literally wrote a biological family tree. Checking off everyone in my biofamily saying what ailments they have. Including the sis/bro who've already gone into failure, my paternal aunt who has lupus, the whole fact that Deborah (biomom) died of complications of this, brother/sister who are symptomatic and scared to get tested. And that Meghan had her stroke, asking if theres a possible genetic link between this and that. There are kidney issues that can cause strokes/aneurysms, but not FSGS. (I really want a real answer about this, can you tell?) The doctor also said "don't get the kids genetically tested" Like Dr Koplevich (spelling? woops) wants them to get. He wants my little sister to get genetic testing to see which genetic malformation is causing this in our family.
My doctor said its not that easy, there are mini malformations and other big words that affect the outcome.

Back to the visit. He got straight to the point, "Right now, you are at 30% kidney function. Within probably 6 months, you will be at 20% and a candidate for our transplant team" Yeah. I was KIND of expecting that but I was hoping he was going to say that there was something else going on. Also, he was concerned about my white blood cells and platelet counts (They always are. lol I just saw the hematologist a couple days before this. When I was in the ER they told me to get to see him the next day because they were bad. But not bad enough to admit me? so yeah. thats a non-issue, or something I'm putting on the back burner. because my red blood cell count is amazing. goooo me. and i'm not anemic!) and the fact I had HELLP syndrome with both my children.

He gave me a DVD about kidney failure and beyond (is that what its called? i should go look at it. It should be called that, and I should get royalties.) I tried to watch it Tuesday night with Pats parents, but its not really television for kiddies running around. Gave me booklets and wants to see me in 3 months. Oh, and the cozaar is up to 25mg q.d.

I'm scared, and I feel like crap. I'm trying to take my mind off everything.
I had a good weekend, filled with friends and such. but i couldn't get outside of my own head after awhile. My friends had a garage sale/show (I put a video of Elissa up on www.youtube.com/sundayismine), cops got called for noise ordinance at 4 in the afternoon? that was kinda funny. Nobody got cited or anything. Then I went to my friends Ken and Michelle's house. I played with a full band. I had NEVER played with a drummer before. Good times. Sunday was work, and it was dead. SO! I was totally stuck in my head, and in a rut.

One woman asked me if it was my summer job, thinking I was in high school. That really gets old after awhile. Now that I'm feeling like this, I want to be like "I may look young, but my body thinks its 70" Seriously, its daunting whenever you go to each doctors appointment and nobody there is under 70. Luckily, this office in Penn, I saw a girl my age. I almost felt like I wanted to hug her. If I didn't have such social anxiety lol

Oh! Speaking of. A very close friend of mine noticed I was down at the party. She said to me, "You're always cheery and happy. You always have a smile on your face." I didn't really think thats the look I portrayed. Thats nice though. I really don't think people know of my social anxieties though. I'll have panic attacks in public places somewhat often.

Ok this is long enough. sorry.